omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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