Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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