i jhust puked up my retainher.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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