My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
