someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I intend to get homeless drunk
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
