this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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