May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
