I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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