the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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