I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
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