smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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