News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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