can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
