Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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