i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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