is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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