hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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