She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Randomize
