my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
