and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
