Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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