I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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