somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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