Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
