Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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