i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
