I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
