I didn't shave. On purpose
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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