Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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