I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
