my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
