An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
