i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
