Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
