You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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