Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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