So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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