I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
