I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
