Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
