if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize