Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
