he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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