I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
