my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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