Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
