Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
not ubering you a puppy
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
