I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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