Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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