i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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