Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
