I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I want a musical about memes.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize