So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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