I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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